Thursday, January 26, 2006

No longer secrets

God told me very clearly what He wants from me this semester. For the longest time - and really that means most of my life - I denied it, thinking only that it was a silly childhood dream. That it meant nothing.

I have decided to share things that I have always kept to myself. Mainly, because I was embarrassed for anyone to know this about me. :o) It's funny to me when I think about it- but sad at the same time.- Blinded. Misguided. Lied to.

If I could only give one word that would describe my childhood dreams, it would have to be MUSIC. From the time I was old enough to talk I was singing. And I started playing the guitar as soon as I was big enough to reach around the small one that my dad has ( it was the same one that he learned to play on when he was a young boy) Soon after I discovered the radio- for myself, not just listening when mom had it on-( I got it for Christmas) and then it was never off.

O.K. this is where I tell know the kind that only your family knows about- mainly because siblings spy, or you being completely unaware because you started off being at the house by yourself, but sometime the rest of the family came home. ( don't know how many times That one happened to me)

Now let's try to picture a young girl of about 5 years old standing in front of a mirror with a flash light up to her mouth singing into it with the radio playing, loud! (Flash lights look more realistic than a hairbrush! I know some of you used a hairbrush! )
Imagination soaring; the music, lights, and the stage all in front of her. The voice that came from her had people standing in awe. Feelings of worth came. She was Beautiful! She was glorious! She was me.
Then the assault came. The first big blow. Someone whispered, "You are not beautiful. You can't stand in front of people. Who would want to look at you. And no one wants to listen to your voice! Don't tell anyone about this! They will laugh at you!" Believing it, I went on with life. And so began the long and strenuous battle for my heart!

At first I tried to ignore those nagging thoughts. But as I began to get brave and share my heart with others, the blows came even harder. Perhaps because they confirmed what I was already believing.

Still singing in front of the mirror at 12 years old, but in my room where no one could see, I hid from people. Given funny looks and laughed at when caught sent the wounds deeper. So more hiding was in order.

At thirteen years old, an obsession with the music on the radio made it's self at home. I knew every song that came on the radio, literally. And I knew every artist that sang them. It consumed me. What was on the radio was what my relationships with my friends were based on.
It was around this time that I took a Risk and shared with my mom of the dream I had of becoming a singer. While she said that she would support me in what ever I wanted to do, she tried in a motherly way to tell me that it really wasn't very realistic. And deeper the wounds went!

By fourteen years old I was a completely different person. There was this darkness that was always present with me. I began to shut myself off from others even more. I felt sick inside. And this anger came from - nowhere? I began to hate myself! The thought of ending the mess I felt inside seemed very freeing! I didn't care how it was done. I just wanted out!
Shortly after, my parents forced me to go to this youth conference. It was a True Love Waits conference. My parents had never forced me to do anything like that, nor have they since. So you might can understand that I was beside myself with anger. Not only did I see this as a waste of time ( " I know about all that stuff! Why do they think I need to go to that!" ) I was painfully shy. Even though I let my parents "have it" for insisting that I attend that conference, they didn't give in! They dropped me and my sister off that Friday night. I went in with my heart closed! I wasn't going to listen to anything!
It was a 2 day conference. It started again the next morning. So I had to endure it again. I made it through the first night with out much problem. But Saturday was a little different. Towards the end of that day, I began to feel really uncomfortable.
I'll cut to the chase. At the invitation that last day, God talked to me. In that really loud voice that I had only heard one time before on the night that I got saved - Which had been 3 years ago at this point-
I was standing up, the invitational song was playing, and I heard it! It was so loud and so clear that I had to sit down. "Give the music up." I sat there with no words. Finally "Alright Lord." I didn't question Him. I couldn't. So at that point I gave him all of my music. It was just a few weeks later that I threw all of my cds and posters away. I replaced them with Christian music. That was a huge step to uncovering my Heart......

1 comment:

brittany said...

WOW Nat. That is amazing to me. Like, you were running away from what your were created for, so you were actually running from yourself, which is why you wanted to 'end it all' was the only way you understood how to get away from who you really were. I am so happy that God caught ahold of you when He did because you ARE an amazing singer, and when you get up onstage it's so cool because I know that you are singing for God, and Christ uses you to minister to others. Keep with Christ, and never give up on what He has clearly told you.
i love ya sweets