Friday, January 27, 2006

No Longer Secrets

You know, after I gave up listening to all that music, and replacing it with the music that God wanted me to fill my heart with, my dreams began to change.- Or may be it was just that they no longer had anything to hide behind.
At 15, I began to feel what I thought was emptiness.
See, when I gave up the music, I also had to give up the dream of singing, so I thought. I mean, after giving that up, what would I sing about?! At least that's what was in my head.
Well, I didn't stop wanting to sing. So I began dreaming about performing Christian music. But it just didn't feel right. It was lacking!
So I pushed that reality far away and just went on living out my Christian "walk". I developed a strong desire to learn more about God. And I started studying and that's when I really started a relationship with God. It was no longer just praying that God would bless the food at meal times. It was two way. He was actually talking to me! And I could hear Him!

All the way up to this point I had been going to a church. The same one for over 16 years. This church did absolutely nothing for me as far as helping in a relationship with Christ. In fact that church was a tool, not used by God, but by His very enemy!
Like I said previously, I still wanted to sing. And I wanted to sing for God. I felt God leading me, along with some others, to try and introduce to these " people of God" a new style of Worship. ( forgive me if I sound bitter) I led the music service several times. I loved it! It was great! And even though I was scared out of my mind, I was obedient to what I knew God was asking of me!
And no! Satan did NOT sit by and watch me. It was just a few weeks later, not even a month, that the attack came! A man, who apparently thought himself in charge, approached me after a Sunday morning service and told me very plainly that he did not approve of what we were doing and that he liked it better the old way. He smiled a smile at me to let me know that it wasn't an option. And he let me know that no one else wanted it the new way either. He said that they wanted my dad to lead again, and not me. I didn't know what to say to him. I just stared at him as he was telling me. He left me standing in the back of the church wounded and devastated. I didn't sing anymore.
" You can't stand in front of people. Who would want to look at you? And no one wants to listen to your voice! Don't tell anyone about this! ' May be I didn't really want to do this after all!' " Loud the voice was this time. Again confirmed. And I went into hiding again.

Shortly after this, our family left that church. That was the best thing that has ever happened to our family.
I was almost 17 years old when we left that church and started attending a new one. This was a scary thing for me. But I felt safe! It was so much bigger than the one that I had been to. I was able to hide. A painful shyness came over me again. And that voice that seemed to always be there at the (right) time "You have a dark secret! Don't let anyone find out! Everyone already knows that there is nothing special about you, so trust me, it's better not to draw attention!" The enemy was digging deeper into what was now scares.

You know, there were so many times from my childhood that I was lied to. Everything seemed to confirm it. From something that my father or mother would say, and even my grandfather. Or something from my sister, friends or other family members. And circumstances would seem to promote the fact that I just couldn't measure up. See I knew, even as a little girl, that even if I did sing that it wouldn't be good enough. That some how it would be a disappointment to those who heard it. Even God.

Now at this new church, I started pretending like I couldn't sing. And to be quite honest, my voice didn't sound the same. Something had happened to it. I didn't have the power behind it anymore. I just gave up. I then had an idea. If singing couldn't be my (glory) then I would just be the best Christian I could be. And that's how I would get attention. And in doing so, I could get the attention off of what was really going on. Not only from those around me, but from myself as well.....


Worthy Sinner said...

I have no words to describe what you have just wrote, except Awsome and I can't wait to read the rest. Plese tell me there is more to this story! I am Proud of you. Love Ya! Sarah J.

Jenn Conn said...

we need to talk.
love, jenn conn